Fear the Barfitron Read online

  “All right, lawn-mower master!” Shane yelled to me. “I know this neighborhood like the back of my hand from my paper route, and it’s going to take us forever unless we can cut through it! Any smart ideas?”

  I yelled, “The Joneses’ backyard connects with the Forsythes’s. And the Forsythes live on the same street as the park! Follow me!”

  Ben threw the last chunk of cheese at the sussuroblats, which were now just five feet behind us. Another sussuroblat exploded and the gruesome pack of drooly bugs slowed down once more. We were running as fast as we could, but we were still pretty far from the park, even with the shortcut.

  We turned left, up the Joneses’ driveway. We rushed around their garage and into their backyard.

  The sussuroblats followed quickly.

  We rushed through a gap in the bushes that lined the backyard, and burst into the Forsythes’ backyard.

  The sussuroblats slowed down even more as they scraped and scrambled their way through the bushes.

  Within seconds, we were on Smith Street. We rushed down the street toward the park.

  We were breathing heavily, and out of cheese. But we just had to push as hard as we could and get there.

  Grigore was really struggling now as we made the last sprint down Smith Street.

  “They’re getting really close again,” yelled Ben.

  “We gotta move!” Shane yelled.

  “Grigore,” I yelled. “You’ve got to push it just a little harder.”

  He shook his head back and forth in an exhausted NO motion.

  “We’ll just have to pick him up,” I said.

  Shane, Ben, and I lifted Grigore up. He let out a surprised “Oof!”

  “Go, go, go!” I yelled, and we burst forward with newfound speed.

  We entered the huge amusement parking lot. Up ahead, we could see the entrance, the rides towering behind it.

  The roaches were now only a few feet behind us. I looked over my shoulder to see their teeth flash in the dark.

  Their teeth.

  Teeth!

  “Grigore,” I yelled, “spit out your teeth!”

  PLOP!

  Out came the teeth. They clattered ahead of us toward the entrance for a moment, and then turned around.

  ZOOM!

  “Whoa!” Shane screeched, and jumped up to avoid the chattering fangs.

  They shot behind us and out of the parking lot.

  MUNCH, CRUNCH, GRIND!

  The teeth made their way through the sussuroblats as they raced back to the retirement home and Grigore’s coffin.

  The sussuroblats stopped to munch on their wounded. This time, there were more tasty treats, but they were fast eaters—we had to rush.

  We ran up to the entrance. We put Grigore down and shoved our way to the front of the shortest line, annoying everyone.

  “Hey!”

  “Watch out!”

  “What’s the big rush?!”

  “Old man coming through,” Shane yelled. “Respect your elders, people!”

  In the parking lot, the sussuroblats screamed and hissed—their snack break was finished.

  I threw our passes in front of the sour-looking woman in the ticket booth, and didn’t even wait for her to hand them back.

  We ran into the amusement park.

  “HEY!” she yelled. “Is that old guy okay? I’m not sure he should go on any rides.”

  We pushed our way through the crowd toward the Gravitron.

  Behind us, we could hear screams at the entrance.

  “That’s disgusting!”

  “Are those roaches?”

  “I’m outta here!”

  The sussuroblats had invaded Jackson Amusement Park.

  We ran past the Ferris wheel. We ran past the Haunted House. As we did, a vampire jumped in front of us and yelled, “Welcome to my castle!”

  “Vlad?” Grigore asked, confused. “Is that you?”

  “Keep moving!” I yelled.

  We ran past the bumper cars. The Gravitron loomed in front of us. It must have just finished a ride, because it spun slower and slower.

  “Perfect timing,” Shane said.

  “Let’s wait here,” I said, panting. “We need to make sure the sussuroblats are right behind us. We have to make sure every last one of them follows us onto the Gravitron.”

  Shane walked toward the concession stand.

  “Wait!” I yelled. “What are you doing?”

  “Grabbing some cotton candy,” he replied.

  “WHAT?!” I screamed. “I said ‘wait’ not ‘hang out.’”

  “I don’t know why you’re so mad,” said Shane, walking back. “Isn’t cotton candy your favorite? I would have shared.”

  “I love all carnival food,” I replied. “But we’ll end up as carnival food if we don’t stay on our toes.”

  “Tired,” Grigore said. “I’m so tired.”

  “Just a little while longer, Grigore,” Ben said.

  Behind us, there was more screaming. We turned around to see the crowd run and the sussuroblats gather in front of us.

  “Goooooooo!” I yelled, but Grigore stayed put.

  “I…just…can’t,” he gasped. “Barely have enough energy to be a bat.”

  “Grab him!” I yelled.

  We snatched Grigore up and ran as fast as we could. As we approached the Gravitron, riders were stumbling off, giggling. And helping them off was…

  “Karen!” yelled Ben.

  Karen, Ben’s older sister, was working at the Gravitron!

  “Karen!” Ben yelled again. “KAAAARENNN! Don’t let anyone else on. WAIIIIIT!”

  We jumped into the line, carrying Grigore along with us. We shoved and pushed our way past everyone.

  “Hey, no cutting!”

  “Ugh, that old man smells terrible!”

  “What are you doing?”

  We made our way to the front of the line.

  “BEN!” Karen screeched. “What are you doing?! I can’t just let you cut. Who is that old bum?”

  “Hey,” said a short, angry girl at the front of the line. “I’ve been in this line FOREVER!”

  Her unibrow furrowed and she gave us an angry scowl.

  “Trust me,” said Shane, “you are not going to want to get on this ride.”

  There were more screams, and the kids who were yelling at us just seconds before abandoned the line. The sussuroblats had almost reached us.

  “We need to get on NOW!” I yelled.

  “I’ll explain later,” said Ben to his sister, “but you have to trust me! And make sure all of them are in before you close the door.”

  “What?” she asked.

  But there was no time for any more explanations.

  We pulled Grigore into the Gravitron and got as far from the door as we could.

  “Grigore,” Shane asked as we put the old vampire down, “are you still able to transform?”

  The sussuroblats poured through the door, snarling, scuttling, and drooling over one another. They headed straight for the old vampire. Ben, Shane, and I jumped out of the way, hoping that Grigore could make the transformation happen.

  Grigore scrunched up his face, grunted, and was able to POP into a bat just as the sussuroblats lunged at him. He fluttered to the center of the Gravitron, and all of the sussuroblats followed, snapping their snaggleteeth hungrily.

  The doors closed and Ben, Shane, and I strapped ourselves against the wall.

  The monster roaches hissed and snarled at the bat that teased them. Bat Grigore flew just above their drooly mouths, and then shot up higher if any of them pounced. A few sussuroblats tried to scurry over to us, but Grigore would quickly draw them back to the pile by flying right in front of their faces.

  The ride slowly started turning. At first, the sussuroblats didn’t notice. When the turning quickened, the sussuroblats were pulled slowly from the center. As much as they scurried and scraped to stay in the center and snap at the bat, they all ended up pressed against the wall. Som
e had their backs against the wall, their legs flailing wildly.

  The Gravitron spun faster and faster and faster.

  “Oh, man!” yelled Ben. “Oh, maaaaarrrrrrffff!”

  Ben spewed the juicy contents of his stomach all over the two sussuroblats closest to him.

  They started to sizzle and smoke.

  Shane and I were next, barfing in almost perfect unison. The sussuroblats that had slid over to us began to melt. I’d never been happier to lose my lunch, and only wish I had eaten more before coming to Raven Hill.

  The sussuroblats’ screams turned to whimpers as they realized what was happening.

  Then their whimpers turned to gagging.

  They were getting sick!

  BAAAAAARRRRFFFF! BLUUURRP! BLAAAAP!

  The sussuroblats were barfing all over themselves—and us!

  Huge, drooly wads of barf flew around in the Gravitron. Brown barf. Green barf. Bucketloads of barf.

  And the barf melted any sussuroblat it touched.

  The Gravitron slowed down, and the barf oozed into the center. The sussuroblats that had survived the barf-splosion rolled into the center and were eaten alive by the barf puddle.

  Up above, Bat Grigore giggled and let out a wheezy, “YES!”

  Steam rose up from the pile of barf and roach parts. Popping and sizzling, every last sussuroblat was coming to a disgustingly stinky end in the Gravitron.

  The Gravitron stopped, and we unstrapped our barf-soaked bodies from the wall.

  We could hear Karen call out, “Now get out of there!”

  She poked her head in and gagged out the words “What…happened…in here?!”

  We stumbled out of the Gravitron, past Ben’s sister, and out into the fresh air.

  The few kids who hadn’t been scared out of the line by the sussuroblats took one look at us and ran.

  “Aw, man!” someone called out. “They turned it into a Barfitron. GROSS.”

  “You guys smell absolutely terrible!” Karen said, holding her nose. “Where did those massive roaches go? Why did you want them in there with you? What happened to that old man?”

  A small bat fluttered out of the open Gravitron door and circled Karen’s head with a squeak before heading off to Raven Hill. She let out a squeal.

  “There he is,” said Shane. “Safe and sound.”

  “BEN!!!” she screamed. “I need answers. NOW.”

  “Sis,” he said slowly, swaying on his feet, “I’ll tell you everything, I promise. I just need a minute to pull myself together here.”

  Ben gagged a little, still overwhelmed by the wild ride.

  “And you guys?!” she asked. “What do you have to say for yourselves? What just happened here?”

  “Look, it’s a little complicated,” started Shane, “but…”

  Shane was interrupted by a hiss coming from the open door. One sussuroblat, smoking, but still very much alive, scurried out of the door and to the top of the Gravitron. It let out an angry GRELCH.

  “What IS that thing?” asked Karen, a disgusted look on her face.

  The sussuroblat turned toward Karen—and jumped right toward her face!

  She screamed. Shane and I froze.

  Ben steadied himself, opened his mouth, and…

  WHHHHAARRRRFFFFF!

  He spewed all over the sussuroblat…and Karen…knocking them both backward. The sussuroblat was good and dead by the time it hit Karen’s face.

  “Oh, man, now that’s talent,” Shane screamed, and gave Ben a high five. Ben smiled and promptly passed out.

  Shane laid Ben out on a bench while I reached down to help Karen up. Once she was on her feet, I grabbed the melted sussuroblat at her feet and tossed it back in the Gravitron.

  “Oh, MAN!” Karen said. “I think I’m having a nightmare. I should get janitorial to clean this mess up.”

  She held a walkie-talkie up to her mouth and was about to press the button.

  “WAIT!” I said as I grabbed the radio. “I’m not sure that would be a good idea.”

  “Where are the cleaning supplies?” asked Shane.

  Karen pointed past the entrance to the Log Flume to a shack.

  “We’ll explain everything while we help you clean the Gravitron,” I said.

  That night, we returned to Raven Hill and found Gordon back to his old, nonbuggy self.

  “Took ya long enough,” he said.

  Leave it to Gordon to insult us for our hard work. I was just happy to hear words coming out of his normal, human mouth.

  The Director looked truly happy when he saw us.

  “Gentlemen, you did an amazing job,” he said. “I can’t thank you enough.”

  The Nurses all came around and shook our hands. By the last shake, our hands were practically crushed.

  “Well,” I said, “we couldn’t have done it without everyone’s help.”

  And it was true. If it weren’t for these kooky old monsters coming through in the last minute, our plan would have failed miserably!

  “Just wait until I tell the other Directors about you!” beamed the Director.

  “Other Directors?” Ben asked.

  “We’re not the only facility,” said the Director. “There are many, many more around the world. There are a lot of residents to tend to, but everyone will be getting a boost of energy with the demise of that sussuroblat pack!”

  After the Battle of Raven Hill, Ben, Shane, Gordon, and I came back to volunteer at the home.

  Shane continued training the residents in karate.

  Gordon helped the Nurses with out-of-control monsters when they needed someone who was quicker on his feet.

  Ben’s trivia night was the highlight of the week, and he was slowly building up a tolerance to all the funky smells found at Raven Hill.

  I worked closely with the Director on special assignments.

  It seemed our lebensplasm really was helping the monsters along! As their monster juice was replenished, they all got a little stronger and a little less demented. Except for the zombies. They’d be forever brainless. Although they still got along great with Shane.

  One night, about two weeks after the battle, I was rewrapping a mummy in its pyramid-shaped room.

  The Director knocked and entered the room.

  “Hi, Director,” I said. “I’m almost wrapped up here,” I said.

  “Actually, I’m the one who’s wrapped up,” said the mummy.

  The Director and I laughed.

  “What’s up?” I said.

  “This is what is ‘up,’” the Director said. “I wanted to thank you. I realize that it was a group effort, but we really couldn’t have done it without your leadership. Anyone else would have shied away from such a massive task. You took it on without question. Just as we always knew you would.”

  “What do you mean, you always knew I would?” I asked.

  “Perhaps I should let someone else explain,” the Director said, and he motioned toward the door for someone to come in.

  Rio Vista’s lunch lady walked into the room.

  “Huh?” I said.

  “Hi, Chrees!” she said, and gave me a big hug as if she knew me.

  She squeezed me hard. I was completely confused.

  “We always knew you had sometheeng special een you,” she said. “Your lebensplasm is strong, you are so smart, and you never brag. You see, I keep an eye out for keeds like you at Rio Vista—keeds who can help Raven Hill out. If there’s a keed I think can help, I whip up a special concoction and feed it to them.”

  “It was her concoction,” the Director continued, “along with the volunteer letter that she planted, that drew you to Raven Hill. That combination gave you the feeling that you should help us. Do you remember how angry I was when you snooped around our home? That was never supposed to happen! But that was really the only snag. You were merely supposed to strengthen the residents before the attack happened.”

  “Wait!” I asked, my stomach suddenly upset. “What did you put in my
food that first day?”

  “It was quite seemple, really,” said the lunch lady. “In order to prepare you to do battle with thee sussuroblats…”

  The lunch lady paused.

  “Go on,” I said.

  “I ground up a few sussuroblats, and put those een your hamburger on thee first day of school.”

  The Blandburger! That weird crunch! The nasty yellow wad. That funky taste. It was a sussuroburger the whole time!

  The room spun around me.

  “A sussuroburger,” I moaned. “You fed me a sussuroburger?!”

  “What’s thee problem?” the lunch lady asked. “It’s a low-fat protein source.”

  “It was quite harmless, I assure you, at least once its initial effects wore off,” said the Director. “And very necessary to prepare you for our world. I hope you don’t take offense.”

  I stood there for a minute, not sure if I should run…or barf. I was disgusted, but I was also proud that I had been chosen. I had so many questions.

  “What about the sussuroblat that attacked the day I told my friends about Raven Hill?” I asked her. “I thought for sure the Director had sent one along to get me.”

  “That was a deeversion I created,” the lunch lady said. “We had just gotten word the sussuroblat army would come that day. I was so happy that you were goeeng to bring friends to fight, and I wanted you to have privacy when you told them. We can’t have everyone know Raven Heel’s secret, can we? So, I cleared out the lunchroom!”

  “Of course,” said the Director, “you thought you were fighting the residents of Raven Hill—but your timing couldn’t have been better. You were ready to fight something, and fight bravely you did!”

  “Thank you for that, Chrees!” shrieked Lunch Lady. She gave me one more tight hug and left.

  “That must have been difficult for you,” said the Director.

  “Not as difficult as the Gravitron,” I said.

  “Nevertheless, I have something for your troubles,” said the Director.

  The Director waved a Nurse in. I think it was Nurse Inx. It was so hard to tell.

  The Nurse was holding a package, wrapped up in old newspaper with a silver bow on the top.

  “Wow!” I said. “What is it?”

  I ripped off one section of paper and saw a lens pointed at the sky. A telescope! Finally, after all of this, my dream had come true! I thought I’d never, ever see the telescope once I paid for all of the Parmesan! I quickly forgot about the sussuroburger.