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  Fear the Barfitron

  GROSSET & DUNLAP

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

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  Text copyright © 2013 M. D. Payne. Illustrations © 2013 by Amanda Dockery. All rights reserved. Published by Grosset & Dunlap, a division of Penguin Young Readers Group, 345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014. GROSSET & DUNLAP is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  Cover illustrated by Amanda Dockery

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN: 978-0-698-15995-2

  To Lady Payne and

  our little monster, Molly

  Fear the Barfitron

  by M. D. Payne

  Table of Contents

  Prologue

  1 Summer × 1 Zillion Lawns = 0

  The First Day

  The Light at the End of the Classroom

  Welcome to Raven Hill

  They’re All Ravin’ at Raven!

  Amuse Me

  Creepy Meeting

  Bingo!

  Losing Sleep…and My Mind

  Put on Your Dancin’ Shoes!

  Great Balls of Fire

  School Makes Me Want to Barf

  A Crazy Adventure

  Blood, Sweat, and Fears

  What’s for Dinner?

  No Escape

  Attack!!!

  No Chance for Recovery

  Invasion of the Sussuroblats

  Buckets of Barf

  Eat That, Roaches!

  The Sussuroblats MUSTDIE!

  A Batty Plan

  RUN!!!

  All’s Well That Ends…Uh-oh

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR…

  Three mysterious figures sprinted through a dark, overgrown forest.

  “We must be swift,” a well-dressed pale man in the lead yelled. “We mustn’t risk Percy’s safety much longer!”

  “We’re close,” a short woman in a white uniform and a hairnet yelled back. “The boy’s house eez just past the creek.” She struggled to push along a man nearly twice her size. His sprint slowed to a stumble. Something was wrong. He appeared to be sick, or even worse—wounded.

  “Meeee wwwaaa,” moaned Percy through his crooked black teeth. “Wwwant go hoooome!”

  “Soon, old friend,” the well-dressed man gasped. “We just need you to do one thing.”

  All three jumped into the creek, pushing through the cold, sandy water. Their shoes and pants legs quickly became drenched, but they had to keep moving. Percy wouldn’t survive another attack.

  Halfway across, the hairnetted woman lost her footing. “Ay Dios mío!” she yelped as she slipped face-first into the icy water.

  “I’ve got you,” the well-dressed man yelled, and helped her to her feet.

  Rising out of the creek, the hairnetted woman didn’t even notice the freezing-cold uniform that now clung to her. All she could do was scan the darkness for their friend.

  “Percy!” she yelled. “Percy!!!”

  Slumped on a log at the edge of the water sat Percy. His huge head slouched over his wide, lifeless chest. They couldn’t see Percy’s eye, but both were almost sure it must be closed.

  “We have to wake him!” the well-dressed man yelled.

  They both shot out of the water toward Percy.

  And that’s when they heard them…

  Loud, slurpy growls coming from the other side of the creek.

  They both froze.

  Turning, the well-dressed man’s eyes widened in fear. Coming toward them, through the darkness, were dozens—maybe hundreds—of spitting and screeching mouths. More than either of them had ever seen in their lives.

  He grabbed Percy’s wrinkled face and lifted up his head. Percy’s eye popped open in surprise.

  “Percy!” he yelled. “They’re here. We must run. Now, Percy.”

  “NOW!” The well-dressed man and woman yelled together.

  Percy jumped up, using what life he had left, and the three ran even faster now. Behind them, the sound of the vile creatures was deafening.

  “Eet’s just up ahead,” said the hairnetted woman over the hungry screeching. “Soon after the clearing!”

  They burst through the edge of the forest. In the moonlight, it became evident how old and weak Percy looked, despite his massive and once-powerful frame. The old man huffed and wheezed as he did his best to keep up.

  Halfway from the forest to the house they were met by a fresh batch of the evil creatures.

  “Nooooooo!” Percy yelled.

  “We’re surrounded,” the well-dressed man said.

  “There must be three dozen or more,” screeched the hairnetted woman. Now she was shaking, but not from the cold creek water.

  She was shaking from fear.

  The well-dressed man pulled a Taser out of his jacket pocket as fast as he could, but his enemy moved swiftly.

  “Waaaaaahhhhh!” Percy yelled. He swatted at them weakly, but soon they were upon him.

  They scrambled all over him, dozens upon dozens, slurping and chewing. He fell to the ground, lost under the swarm.

  “Noooooo!” the well-dressed man yelled, zapping as many of the hard shells as he could with his Taser.

  The hairnetted woman ripped off her hairnet, stretched it out, and captured one creature at a time. She tied them up in her net so the well-dressed man could more easily kill them.

  But there were just too many.

  Before they could destroy even half a dozen of the disgusting beasties, the swarm left as quickly as it had come. They scurried off of Percy, leaving a trail of monster juice. He had been drained. Percy didn’t have much time left.

  “Percy!” the well-dressed man yelled. “Hang in there, old man.”

  The well-dressed man and the once-hairnetted woman worked together to lift Percy’s massive body off the ground and drag him as fast as they could toward the house in the distance.

  “Gwwwwaaaaa!” Percy moaned through a mouth filled with black slime.

  “Shhhhh,” said the once-hairnetted woman. “You’re going to be okay.”

  But they both knew that Percy wouldn’t be okay. They just needed him to hang on long enough to answer the question that burned through their minds.

  After an exhausting effort, they were able to make it to the window at the back of the house.

  “This is Chris,” the once-hairnetted woman said to Percy.

  They turned Percy’s head so he could get a better look. His eye was starting to lose its glimmer. He was fading fast.

  They could see a young boy on his bed, counting a large pile of money. He seemed upset by the amount, counting it over and over again. He pulled over a laptop, opened it up, and tapped away at the keys.

  “Is this the one, Percy?” the well-dressed man asked.

  “Guuuuhhhhh…” Percy groaned.

  “Percy!” the once-hairnetted woman hissed in his ear. “Percy, you must tell us! Please!”

  Even though he hated to, the well-dressed man slapped Percy across the face as hard as he could.
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  He got the reaction he was looking for.

  “Yesssss!” Percy’s voice gurgled up through his broken body. “Chris. Is. The.”

  His body spasmed, and as he slipped to the ground, his last word was:

  “One.”

  Tears escaped the well-dressed man’s eyes for Percy. He feared for the rest of his residents as well.

  “Now we need this young boy more than ever,” he said, “but how can we draw him to us?”

  “I have an idea,” the once-hairnetted woman said, and she held up her hairnet, which contained one of the vile beasts, still alive. It hissed and screeched.

  “Perhaps this evil little theeng can help.…”

  Chris.Taylor.02: My dreams are destroyed.

  S’whts da prb? :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: Shane, please use vowels!

  Thts yr prb? I dstryd yr drms w/ n vwls? :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: No, you didn’t destroy my dreams. But use your vowels.

  :karate247 Thanks, teacher. SO WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?

  Chris.Taylor.02: Do you remember that amazing telescope I wanted to buy?

  Y! Did u get it?!? :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: NOOOOOOO! I don’t have enough money! What am I going to do?

  Mow more lawns? :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: It’s almost fall! I have 2 more lawns and that’s IT! I’m never going to get that telescope.

  I’ll ttly loan u csh. How much? $25? $30? :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: $484.99 more.

  I give u 99 cnt. :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: Ha ha ha.

  K, $4.99. I evn round it up $5. :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: I still need 480 bucks.

  $479.99. Huge difference. :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: Whatever. I can’t believe school is Monday. ARRGGHHH!

  :karate247 Since when do you hate schl? That’s my thng. You luv schl.

  Chris.Taylor.02: I don’t love school. I love STUDYING.

  Same thng. :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: No, it’s not. If I had it my way, I’d get my mother to homeschool me. When you’re smart, the teachers always pick on you. They think I like answering questions.

  But u r always right! :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: That doesn’t mean I should have to stand up in front of class and give every bully in school a reason to pick on me. All the kids in our school are idiots.

  Xcept 4 me? :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: Well…

  :( :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: Just kidding. You, Ben, and Gordon are the exceptions. OF COURSE.

  :karate247 Tnx. OK, now I shall reward your good behavior with vowels and amazing advice.

  Chris.Taylor.02: Bring it on.

  :karate247 Become Middle School Honor Society President! U’ll rake in the dough!

  Chris.Taylor.02: What?

  They pay the prez, don’t they? :karate247

  Chris.Taylor.02: Last time I checked, no. Plus, I already declined an invitation to the Honor Society. I can’t handle that kind of pressure.

  :karate247 Go back and say yes! Don’t they have fund-raisers? Fund-raise for yourself!

  Chris.Taylor.02: I’ll keep that in mind. I should go. I’ve got to spend the rest of my summer cleaning my bedroom. Maybe I can get Mom to give me 10 bucks.

  :karate247 Demand 15! I’ll think of more amazing ideas, although that last one was pretty good. LTR.

  The pile of money on my bed made me as depressed as the collection of dirty, funky piles in my room. I slammed my laptop shut.

  My eye went from the pile of laundry with my “Mars or Bust” T-shirt on top, to a pile of comic books, to a pile of old horror movie DVDs and video games. In one disgusting corner of my room, a comb sat on top of a moldy piece of pizza. Pieces of my short blond hair mixed with goopy pizza grease.

  What did I have to show for an entire summer of lawn mowing? Grass-covered legs that itched like crazy, a messy room, and an empty space by the window where my dream telescope should have been.

  Hanging next to my Star Wars poster was a picture of the Super Infinity Space Gazer—positioned so that it pointed at the Death Star. The state-of-the-art TRQ92 Super Infinity Space Gazer would show me the craters of the moon! It would show me stars in distant galaxies! It would be my first step toward becoming an astrophysicist—my life’s dream!

  I scooped up all of my money and shoved it back into the shoe box. Crouching down low, I started to slide it under my bed, when a sound made me stop.

  A very quiet crunching sound.

  Reluctantly, I turned toward the pizza. Sitting in the middle of the old slice, a large black cockroach enjoyed snack time.

  It had just polished off a scabby pepperoni, and was starting to munch on my hair!

  “Ugh!” I grunted in disgust.

  Grabbing a stinky tattered shoe, I cautiously crept toward the roach.

  It saw me almost right away, let out what sounded like a tiny belch, and ran behind the piles.

  I jumped down onto my hands and knees to see it scurry into a small space between the wall and the floor. Its legs scrambled and scraped. It was so full of pizza I wasn’t sure it was going to make it.

  Just when I thought I’d have time to grab a can of Raid, it slipped through and was gone.

  I picked up the pizza, plucked off the comb, and tossed both in the garbage.

  By the time I finished cleaning my room, summer vacation was over.

  When Shane and I arrived at school the next day, it was like we had never left for summer break—a feeling worse than anything in the world.

  “Ah, the smell of cafeteria mashed potatoes,” Shane said as he inhaled deeply.

  He texted me the night before that he planned on wearing his karate uniform “2 mk a statmnt.” I’m glad he changed his mind. He showed up in a ratty T-shirt and a stinky old pair of jeans instead. It made my black pants and green collared shirt look like formal wear.

  “I’ll catch you later,” Shane said as he gave me a quick thumbs-up and headed down another hall toward his locker. I gave him a weak thumbs-up back and kept walking.

  As I walked, I daydreamed about pointing the TRQ92 at the moon on a clear night. This helped me ignore all the idiots that surrounded me as I made my way toward my locker. I was so deep in thought that I didn’t even notice the huge figure towering in front of me until it was too late.

  “What the—?!” I whooped as I bounced off the massive kid and hit the ground.

  I lifted up my head to see a pair of sneakers on the most monstrous feet in middle school.

  “Chris!” a voice boomed.

  I looked up, terrified.…

  “We didn’t mean to run into you like that. We thought for sure you’d see us!”

  A beefy, tanned arm reached down to help me up.

  “Gordon!” I said, happy to see my friend. “Hey, man. What did they feed you at summer camp? You’re like a wrestler.”

  Gordon chuckled as he said, “Lots of lean meats. Protein shakes. A whole horse. You know, stuff like that.”

  Gordon pulled me up and I could see another friend, Ben, was with Gordon.

  “What were you thinking about?” Ben asked.

  “I was thinking of the moon,” I said.

  “Huh?” Gordon said.

  “Never mind; I’ll explain later.”

  “Okay,” said Ben, a much smaller dude, with pale skin and messy reddish blond hair. “How do I look? I got a brand new suit for the first day of school!”

  I didn’t know what to say. His blue suit and red tie seemed really nice, I guess, but he still looked as ratty as Shane did in his jeans and T-shirt. Plus, Ben always looked like he was about to hurl.

  “Um,” I said slowly. “Ah…the SUIT looks great, man!” At least that wasn’t a lie.

  I turned to Gordon in his new jeans and a T-shirt two sizes too small. “Isn’t that shirt a little tight?” I asked.

  “Naw, dude,”
Gordon said. “I gotta make sure the ladies can see how much I trained this summer. Check out these GUNS!”

  Gordon flexed, and I thought I could hear a bit of T-shirt rip. He turned to show his muscles to the kids walking up and down the hallway. A few giggly girls stopped and pointed. Gordon flexed again, harder this time.

  RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

  His shirt split up both sides, revealing his slightly hairy armpit. The warning bell rang, and there was a sudden rush in the hallway. No one wanted to be late to the first class of the year.

  Gordon’s face went from surprised to horrified. “Aw, man. What the heck am I gonna do?” he practically whined.

  Ben and I started laughing like hyenas. His muscles didn’t look so big anymore.

  Ben, between laughs, said, “Come on over to my locker. I have an extra T-shirt. It might be a bit tight. Just promise not to flex in it!”

  That made Ben and I laugh even harder. At least my friends had made me forget about the telescope situation.

  “Man, this line is huge,” Ben said as we waited for hot lunch.

  “What’s your rush?” I asked. “The food probably hasn’t gotten any better. Everyone’s just forgotten how bad it is.”

  “What’s the special today?” Ben asked. “Icky Nuggets? Salisbury Snake?”

  I looked to see what the lunch lady was scooping out. She was so short that even when I craned my neck, all I could see was the top of her hairnet. But I could see the food through the glass. She dug deep into a pan with her skinny, hairy arm and out came—

  “Chicken Not-Your-Mom’s,” I said.

  “It’s chicken parmesan, but it’s definitely not your mom’s!” Ben and I chirped in unison.

  We laughed our way to the lunch lady, who stared us down as we got closer to her station. She furrowed her wrinkly brow, but didn’t say anything as she plopped a rubbery and cheesy piece of chicken onto Ben’s plate. I decided to get the Blandburger with Cheese.

  The lunch lady fussed behind the counter for a bit and then handed me my burger with a wink.

  We made our way through the tables and found Shane and Gordon.

  As we sat down, Shane said, “Welcome back, gentlemen!”

  “It’s almost like the summer never happened,” I said. “Thanks for grabbing the regular seats.”